I didn’t catch the dialogue because, as I keep telling this idiot, WE DON’T SPEAK SHYRIIWOOK!ĭo you want to learn how to build it? No? Tough. Wait, I think Lumpy is building some sort of illegal transmitter or something. The advertiser is Harvey Korman, playing a robot with a malfunctioning pelvis. For fictional utility items in the Star Wars universe.
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Which I think was the pitch for Attack Of The Clones.Īfter the cartoon, the Empire orders Lumpy to… tidy his room! Bastards! But because he’s a child, he just puts the TV on again. You could flog them anything as long as Boba Fett is in it.
That’s how Star Wars fandom works, folks. But it was the first appearance of Boba Fett, which means that even if it were crap everyone would love it. It’s standard 70s fare, which means exaggerated characters and nonsensical plot. In fact it even got an official release, unlike any other parts of this bloody special. This cartoon is actually the one bit that was good. But they can’t search the bedroom because Lumpy made a mess (the other kind). This doesn’t cause the Imperials to leave as one might expect, and instead they take the action to the bedroom. I should point out this is easily the most coherent part of the special yet. Although there’s no Wookiee wanking on this one, the singer appears to be trying to swallow a giant glowing dildo and the rest of the band are covered in a pink glow, like they’re burning to death in some big gay fire. The Empire just loves Jefferson Starship, apparently. Seriously, does Chewie have some problem hiding in the sideboard? Has anyone ever found him there? They don’t find him, because Chewie in onboard the Millennium Falcon, watching stock footage and trying not to let Han crash the ship out of boredom.Īfter one of the Imperials is bitten by Lumpy, Art Carney tries to distract them by… putting on the stereo. Wait, they’re looking for Chewie? And they think he might be hiding in the sideboard? The Wookiee’s already looked there. Then they look through the cupboards again, just in case. This is the scene with mild peril, because there’s all sorts of stuff in those cupboards, like ornaments and hair. Oh no! Stormtroopers! They’re looking for, I dunno, rebel scum or something. No, seriously.Īfter another interlude with a suicidal Han (you know, in case we’d forgotten the plot), the Empire come. This is because the writers were idiots, and she was completely stoned off her tits. Despite being on screen for all of twelve seconds, she still manages to get the name of the sodding planet wrong. Much like Luke, we get a token scene with Leia where she restates the plot, just in case it’s all moving too quickly for us. Itchy seems to really enjoy it, although we fortunately don’t see anything except his weird melted face, which might be an o-face but it’s hard to tell since Itchy’s sole expression is one of horrible, horrible pain. Presents that all involve playing some sort of video, which we have to watch. Hegoes round to the Wookies and gives them presents. Although in all seriousness, that make up was probably to hide the scars from his horrific car accident.īack to Art Carney. It even looks like he’s had his eyes whitened.
Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill! Mark Hamill is somewhere in this bit, but trapped under enough makeup to kill the Emperor himself. Fortunately, this gives way to our first guest star.
She spends several minutes scanning for him, which means we just watch a large wig using a 70s microfilm viewer. It’s not going to make sense any other way.Īfter this insanity, Malla decides to worry about Chewie for some reason. If you’ve got any drugs, use them now folks. Malla and Itchy get annoyed with Lumpy grunting and trying to kill himself, so they make him watch the first of our variety acts… an interpretive dance number. Because this is the 70s and this is a secular Christmas special, this is set in a brown living room. Notice all the lovely Life Day decorations, the Life Tree or the wonderful festive atmosphere? No, me neither. That mental image will now define your Christmas. Imagine Chewie and Malla having sweaty, grunty, hairy sex with each other. Malla enjoys cooking, bossing everyone around, and scanning for starships.
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